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Thread: Dealing with diarrhoea in the Kingdom

  1. #1
    Cadet Username's Avatar
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    Dealing with diarrhoea in the Kingdom

    No matter how long you have been in Thailand, getting caught with a sudden & overpowering urge to visit the toilet is something that can't be avoided, from the hardiest of ex-pats to the newbiest of newcomers. And it can happen at anytime & anywhere. I thought I was immune to most of the bugs and I'd had no toilet dramas for ages... But on a trip to Korat I once again experienced that sudden & overpowering volcano in the pit of my stomach, & had to swerve into the nearest garage to let fly.

    So for all of you, here is a rough guide to surviving diarrhoea in the Kingdom

    1. Survey the immediate vicinity for the best 'pong nam' (Thai toilet)

    2. Enter the 'pong nam'

    3. Remove all of your clothing, including pants, socks, underwear, trousers, shoes, hats & t-shirts etc.

    It's probably best to hang clothes up, as the floor will usually be sopping wet. If there is nothing to hang them on, look for the usual suspects i.e a door knob, rusty old nail etc. If none, pile your clothes on top of your shoes, above the water line

    4. Now that you're stark naked, you can move around the toilet freely. This is important, because the last thing you need after dealing with diarrhoea in a 'pong nam' is to have to walk around for the rest of the day with messy clothing

    5. Survey the hole, & prepare to mount the facility. With Thai 'hole in the floor' toilets, they usually have foot markers on the sides of the 'bowl' to show where your feet go. Most 'holes' are raised up on some kind of plinth, so whilst navigating the wet floor, try to balance yourself competently whilst finding the foot markers

    6. You are now in an extremely bizarre position I call the 'preying mantis'. As you squat, you can tilt yourself to accurately align your undercarriage. It can be gruesome, but, no matter how hard you try not too look, you actually have to... When ready, let fly!

    7. When finished, hopefully there will be a trough of water nearby. If you are lucky, there will be a dish or bucket available, to scoop up some of the water. If you are exceptionally lucky, one of these will have some type of handle, allowing you to lift the receptical up & under with one hand, whilst the other scoops and washes 'the other hole' with the cold stuff

    8. Now you're pretty much all done, so carefully, step down from the hole, back down to the floor. Your clothes are all still nice & dry (not so, had you attempted to do this whilst wearing them) and can be put on accordingly, and you can leave, relieved

    Hopefully there will be soap in the sinks outside, if not, it's best not to shake anyone's hand for a while.

    Congratulations. You just survived the trots in a Thai 'pong nam'.
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  2. #2
    Cadet Gold Saintman's Avatar
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    I think you covered that pretty well lol

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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Chob's Avatar
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    Ha , this is ignoring the fact that you usually are lucky if you can get your pants down in time!
    But a witty little story and the only way to have your clothes truly remain unblemished!

    ( BTW , its "Hong Naam" , but I appreciated that you may have deliberately used "Pong" in the Anglo slang "Stinky" sense of the word)

    Welcome to the board!

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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Bacon's Avatar
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    What if there's no water? O.o
    Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Moo Uaon's Avatar
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    ^ that's the next progression.....usually farangs say...what if there's no paper?
    FACE YOUR FEARS LIVE YOUR DREAMS

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    Cadet Username's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bacon View Post
    What if there's no water? O.o
    How long have you been in Thailand?

    It's a general rule that farangs always be accompanied when in the LoS, if not by a fellow farang ... then by a Thai 'lady'. Thai ladies (not the ever so hi-so ones) are taught from birth that farangs are well endowed, financially speaking that is, and it's their duty to part them from their wealth at the earliest possible opportunity.

    So in answer to your question. Your 'friend' will be pacing up & down outside your stall watching out for your interests, and therefore will be on hand to run to the nearest 7-Eleven (you are never more than 100 meters from a 7-Eleven in the Kingdom) to buy you a couple of gallons of Evian natural spring water, the carbonated staff is best avoided.
    Last edited by Username; 20th January 2015 at 15:24.

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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Uber Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน 1080's Avatar
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    The carbonated water is good, just shake the bottle and hay presto, portable bum gun...555
    Bawdy and Cuzzy like this.

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    Cadet Username's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1080 View Post
    The carbonated water is good, just shake the bottle and hay presto, portable bum gun...555
    I tried that, you just end up spraying fecal matter all over the place, we are not talking about solid human waste here.

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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Bacon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1080 View Post
    The carbonated water is good, just shake the bottle and hay presto, portable bum gun...555
    Your sir are a genius!
    Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


  10. #10
    Frequent Flyer kaptainrob's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bacon View Post
    Your sir are a genius!
    Ted has experience in certain matters .... lol
    Cheers, Rob.
    Lifes journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but to skid in sideways totally worn out, shouting: holy s.h.i.t what a ride!

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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Chob's Avatar
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    ^ Teds always shakin something 555

  12. #12
    Organic AI Quarky's Avatar
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    I remember stopping at some remote "services" in Isaan ....over the hole... doing my stuff.... and from nowhere thousands of grasshopper type creatures descended on me...

    You try having diarrhoea while being attacked by a locust swarm... 55
    My only experience was in a pie making factory managing the gravy team


  13. #13
    The artist formally known as Wabbits Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน wabbits's Avatar
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    I remember in the Army having to take off my tank suit to do the business like overalls.
    Either horse flies or mozzies or both!
    Though with the food we ate it was the absolute opposite of the Thai issue.555555
    .

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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Bacon's Avatar
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    By the way, where's Simon these days? Anyone heard of him?
    Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


  15. #15
    Organic AI Quarky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bacon View Post
    By the way, where's Simon these days? Anyone heard of him?
    Loved up with a farang...
    My only experience was in a pie making factory managing the gravy team


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