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Thread: The Big House or The Good Wife

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    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Sydney's Avatar
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    The Big House or The Good Wife

    Had a moment of reflection the yesterday as i drove past the family home were the ex still lives now.

    Rewind 20 years......... i brought the family home in Asquith, a north shore suburb of Sydney.

    The house was very cheap at the time and the only place we could afford in the area we wanted to live. It was in need of a full renovation, but that didn't matter as by this time i already had a business in the building industry and while formally didn't have a trade, i had taken to just about task on a building site from brick laying, plumbing to carpenter. So for 17 years, at any chance i got, i toyled with my labour of love.

    Starting out the back i pulled down the Clack 33 foot above ground pool that was in sad need of repair, brought in the my companies bobcat and excavated and removed 40 ton of soil to level out the whole back yard. I then rebuilt the pool, built a block wall around it, and completely enclosed the pool area with a deck and rail. A few years later out the front, i excavated more tonnage and paved a 140 square meters of paving for the driveway. Rebuilt the garage, completely re-clad the house in Western Red Cedar, pulled up old carpet and sanded every piece of flooring and then varnished them, striped the bathroom back to bear walls and renovated that, In all the 17 years of renovations i think i only ever called in 1 or 2 tradesmen, to help with the copper pipe plumbing. Everything else was done by my hand and my hand alone. (Except for the final big reno...see below )

    My creme dela creme was the hand crafted sandstone in the paved area out the back, I had scored these massive pieces of sandstone from a site for free. They were all perfectly 50mm think but some were as big as 800mm X 800mm. So i cut them all up into 400 X 200mm pieces and laid them in a area out the back of the house, but also created a series of patterns and borders of orange clay pavers within and around them. It looked awesome and still does today.

    The final effort was a $50,000 lounge, kitchen reno. I used my builder mate for 4 weeks and we knocked it over between the 2 of us working till midnight nearly every night. This one nearly killed me because i was also running my new business (DVD Production) during the day. We went from having a pokey little lounge to having this massive area over looking the pool, so did the new kitchen. I will see if i can find some pics of this one to give you an idea. This reno of coarse went of the mortgage and i am still paying for it today !!

    6 months after that big reno was finished i moved out..


    When i left the family home 3 years ago i didn't want to sell it for 2 reasons. I didn't want my kids (12 and 16 at the time) to have to move to a new home and 2nd i wanted to keep my finger in the pie with real estate in Sydney. So i set up a very good deal for my ex, where i would keep paying half the mortgage and she would pay the other half. Then when my youngest turns 18, we would sell the house and split value in it. A costly exercise for me but it kept the piece and did have some advantages in it for me. A great deal for her as she still had somewhere to live for $200 a week.

    Me, well i had to move into an old run down rental property further north in Berowra costing me more a week then the family house was.....no 33 foot swimming pool here.....

    Fast forward 20 years..........i am driving past my old family home in the morning( have to go past it about 4 times a day as it is in the Pacific Hwy, my direct route to work) and as usual i swing my head to look in as i drove past. I see something different now.....the ex has a new boyfriend and his car is parked in the driveway ( or is that my driveway...555). Hmmm i think to myself, wonder how long before he moves in full time and then gets to enjoy all my hard work for 17 years. Hmmm i think to myself, well that will be cheap for him won't it....my ex only pays $200 a week, 2 divided by $200........... hmmmm i think to myself again....maybe a deal about the mortgage is in order...

    But i digress..........

    As my title for this thread reads... The Big House or The Good Wife

    Would i want to change anything and get my old house back, but then not get to meet and marry my beautiful, attentive, loving thai wife
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    [SIZE="7"][SIZE="6"]HELL NO......NOT IN A MILLION YEARS[/SIZE][/SIZE]


    Pics of last big reno

    home 5.jpghome 1.jpghome3.jpg
    Last edited by Sydney; 8th January 2012 at 09:46.
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    The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.

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    ประเทศไทยเพื่อน Founding Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน PatongBeachBoy's Avatar
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    It's only a house... happiness is the real deal!!
    Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer.

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    Lamai Beach Bum Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน bacwaan's Avatar
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    just out of interest...do you think its worth more now than 3 years ago when you had the option to sell it?

    from the input of some other AUS BMs I'd say you have come out of it well really....they sound like they lost the lot in bitter divorce settlements

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    ประเทศไทยเพื่อน Founding Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน jontymate's Avatar
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    I think you have done the best thing by your children and have been able to negotiate a great solution for all concerned.
    1. They have a nice familiar house to live in with minimal disruption to their lives.
    2. Your children have a happy dad and because of that you have the emotional capacity and support of a TG to also be a great dad.

    Yes you may have thoughts from time to time that someone is profiting from your hard work and sacrifice. That is probably true. It don't matter really, it just bugs you from time to time. Mate the scales are on your side.
    "Man cannot discover New Oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore" 
      
       
       
         
       
      
     

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    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Sydney's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bacwaan View Post
    just out of interest...do you think its worth more now than 3 years ago when you had the option to sell it?

    from the input of some other AUS BMs I'd say you have come out of it well really....they sound like they lost the lot in bitter divorce settlements
    Yeah i have never quite understood the move out, hand everything over and go out a loser financially ...i have one mate who is on his 4th wife!! so therefore has now lost 3 houses!!...i realize the courts and the kids pretty much design the outcome.....but most mates i know never really even put up a fight....in fact forget the word fight, they just lie down and got steam rolled.

    I was fortunate to be in a rather unique situation in that i never married my ex so it was a de-facto relationship, and regardless of the myths they are actually different then a legal marriage. I also had 200K of business debt tied up in the mortgage so this was enough to make sure the ex didn't want anything to do with the business. So i worked a deal out on paper for her to take to her lawyer and we ended up with a amicable split.

    The only downside was property prices where very stagnate back then and really are still now and i knew that i was going to be stuck paying half a mortgage on a property that i was only going to be driving past every day. However i also knew the local council was being forced by the state government to create more housing in the area.........well 6 months ago our block and about 30 others around us got passed and rezoned for low density.

    So to answer your question bacwann, it didn't increase sweet FA in the last 2.5 years....maybe 50K.....but in the last 6 months things have changed. We turned down 720K to a developer a couple of months ago as we believe ( real estate mate, neighbours and me) that 850 to 900K is more the go.

    We shall see....
    The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.

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    ประเทศไทยเพื่อน Founding Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน PatongBeachBoy's Avatar
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    I met a guy who owned a substantial property here in Melbourne, On divorce he convinced the court that the best situation was to sign it over to his 3 kids with a covenant on it... The covenant was that it wasn't allowed to be sold until the youngest turned 21.... The youngest has since turned 21 and the kids got together and sold the house, they were able to each put a sizable deposit on a house while doing the same for their father...
    wabbits, G4orce and Spot like this.
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    Lamai Beach Bum Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน bacwaan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sydney View Post
    Yeah i have never quite understood the move out, hand everything over and go out a loser financially ...i have one mate who is on his 4th wife!! so therefore has now lost 3 houses!!...i realize the courts and the kids pretty much design the outcome.....but most mates i know never really even put up a fight....in fact forget the word fight, they just lie down and got steam rolled.

    I was fortunate to be in a rather unique situation in that i never married my ex so it was a de-facto relationship, and regardless of the myths they are actually different then a legal marriage. I also had 200K of business debt tied up in the mortgage so this was enough to make sure the ex didn't want anything to do with the business. So i worked a deal out on paper for her to take to her lawyer and we ended up with a amicable split.

    The only downside was property prices where very stagnate back then and really are still now and i knew that i was going to be stuck paying half a mortgage on a property that i was only going to be driving past every day. However i also knew the local council was being forced by the state government to create more housing in the area.........well 6 months ago our block and about 30 others around us got passed and rezoned for low density.

    So to answer your question bacwann, it didn't increase sweet FA in the last 2.5 years....maybe 50K.....but in the last 6 months things have changed. We turned down 720K to a developer a couple of months ago as we believe ( real estate mate, neighbours and me) that 850 to 900K is more the go.

    We shall see....
    I was married twice in Australia and at the end of both relationships managed to sort out property settlements amicably without the help of lawyers....mind you in both cases we remained friends and there were no kids involved...I am forever glad that I managed to achieve this and to this day i am in regular contact with both exes....in fact they co-hosted a surprise 50th birthday for me a wee while back and split the somewhat significant cost (100+ guests with catered food and great wines etc) between them

    i still have a couple of properties in Sydney (eastern suburbs) and i am unsure whether to hang onto them or sell up and invest the money elsewhere as the value of mine too have stayed fairly flat over the past few years...no rush on this though as they are both well tenanted and bring in a decent rent

    good luck to you when yo go to sell Syd...you deserve a decent return for looking after all concerned...especially your kids

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    The artist formally known as Wabbits Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน wabbits's Avatar
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    Giving up and letting go can be very impowering when the realization comes it has nothing to do with your happyness.

    The biggest tool for wealth you took with you...your brain mate.
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    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Minder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sydney View Post
    Had a moment of reflection the yesterday as i drove past the family home were the ex still lives now.

    .....When i left the family home 3 years ago i didn't want to sell it for 2 reasons. I didn't want my kids (12 and 16 at the time) to have to move to a new home and 2nd i wanted to keep my finger in the pie with real estate in Sydney. So i set up a very good deal for my ex, where i would keep paying half the mortgage and she would pay the other half. Then when my youngest turns 18, we would sell the house and split value in it. A costly exercise for me but it kept the piece and did have some advantages in it for me. A great deal for her as she still had somewhere to live for $200 a week. ......
    Quote Originally Posted by Sydney View Post
    .....So to answer your question bacwann, it didn't increase sweet FA in the last 2.5 years....maybe 50K.....but in the last 6 months things have changed. We turned down 720K to a developer a couple of months ago as we believe ( real estate mate, neighbours and me) that 850 to 900K is more the go.

    We shall see....
    Quote Originally Posted by Sydney View Post
    Yeah i have never quite understood the move out, hand everything over and go out a loser financially ...i have one mate who is on his 4th wife!! so therefore has now lost 3 houses!!...i realize the courts and the kids pretty much design the outcome.....but most mates i know never really even put up a fight....in fact forget the word fight, they just lie down and got steam rolled.
    ....
    Why is a divorce expensive? Because it is worth it.

    I hope you never do it just to understand why but if you do find yourself doing it, then you will understand why you did it. (Jeez, sounds like Minder's guide to Zen).

    Or to put it another way - voluntarily taking a kicking is not fighting.

    Is the agreement on the future sale of the house you struck with the ex- a stamped and approved by the Family Court "Property Settlement" - or was it just verbal?

    Then again, I am such a cynic I'd say that both have about the same value if contested in a Family court anyway. I wish you well but...

    .... the woods are a dark and dangerous place and from what you have written here I don't think you are out of them yet. She has the house, she has the kids and she has the law on her side (in reality) ...

    However as I once said to you on PI - I'll be happy for you to prove me wrong (again!).

    Enjoy.
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    Life is the unexpected ...

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    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Sydney's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Minder View Post
    Is the agreement on the future sale of the house you struck with the ex- a stamped and approved by the Family Court "Property Settlement" - or was it just verbal?


    Enjoy.
    5555...yep will get you on this one Minder

    2 reasons


    1. Family court had to approve the lawyers piece of paper (cost me $2000.00 for that Family Court Stamp)

    2. More powerful than any family court is respect.....that is the respect my kids have for their Dad.........more then their Mum......making mum always parionad that she will loose he beloved kids to their Dad.....for that reason she would never do anything wrong by me....

    By the way i have my kids 50 % percent of the time .......so its a complete half spilt.....all costs for kids splilt half half....all time staying with parents half half.......all assets half half.... to complicate it more we still have a investment property in NZ together.....half half
    The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.

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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Spot's Avatar
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    Mate sounds like what you did was what most of us do "Keep the kids in a house and stable environment" Bravo! I set the ex up very comfortably, when I knew I was getting close to bailing as she was intent on Killing my brain and heart. The only reason I stayed so long was to try and take care of the kids, but it was not good for the kids seeing me put down all the time and the first time my girls started treating me the way thier Mother did that was it, out of there and commence the dismantling of my finances....

    But and it has been mentioned before and i know there will be somebody with the opinion 2 sides to every story blah blah blah. The admirable thing out of the chaos was that you put your kids before yourself, your consciuos is clear and i hope the kids appreciate this.

    Noted last post did you have a coach? Some one helping you with these decisions. Well done.

    Many wise words above, I got cleaned out but I am driving around with happy thoughts of the future and a smile on my face, especially now my girls understand why I left
    Ohhhh, Pigsy! You call yourself a demon? จูบก้นของฉัน Everything I post here is IMHO and IME... I am no expert....

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    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Minder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sydney View Post
    5555...yep will get you on this one Minder (Here we go again ..555)

    2 reasons


    1. Family court had to approve the lawyers piece of paper (cost me $2000.00 for that Family Court Stamp) ( $2k for a stamp, we are in the wrong business .....)

    2. More powerful than any family court is respect.....that is the respect my kids have for their Dad.........more then their Mum......making mum always parionad that she will loose he beloved kids to their Dad.....for that reason she would never do anything wrong by me.... ( Agreed. The Ex made the daugther choose between the two of us - she chose me much to her mother's ongoing surprise.)
    Enjoy ......
    Life is the unexpected ...

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    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Minder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spot View Post
    .... I got cleaned out but I am driving around with happy thoughts of the future and a smile on my face, especially now my girls understand why I left
    You could have the big house and be living a half-life or be where you are now .... as Sydney says ... not a difficult choice.

    As to the money side, a decade on, I can say - it was much easier to establish myself again that I ever thought it would be.

    Enjoy.
    Life is the unexpected ...

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    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Sydney's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Minder View Post
    it was much easier to establish myself again that I ever thought it would be.

    Enjoy.
    That also fits into the empowering part as Wabs correctly mentioned before.........i can remember thinking a year or 2 before leaving....how can i do this...how can i leave behind everything i have worked so hard for....i was to scared to let go....

    Then the relief and the realization that real happiness doesn't come in a box !!
    The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.

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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Spot's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sydney View Post
    That also fits into the empowering part as Wabs correctly mentioned before.........i can remember thinking a year or 2 before leaving....how can i do this...how can i leave behind everything i have worked so hard for....i was to scared to let go....

    Then the relief and the realization that real happiness doesn't come in a box !!
    The ex kept bellowing at the kids and me, if we made a mess, I'd be out mowing the lawn and she would lock all the doors... I did all the cleaning anyway, but whenever th babies spilt someting as kids do she would go right off. My standard response was we live in a "home" not a hospital!

    I bet you live with the good wife in a "home" you have made for yourselves and wherever the good wife is, is home.
    Ohhhh, Pigsy! You call yourself a demon? จูบก้นของฉัน Everything I post here is IMHO and IME... I am no expert....

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    ประเทศไทยเพื่อน Founding Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Arliss Michaels's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spot View Post
    The ex kept bellowing at the kids and me, if we made a mess, I'd be out mowing the lawn and she would lock all the doors... I did all the cleaning anyway, but whenever th babies spilt someting as kids do she would go right off. My standard response was we live in a "home" not a hospital!

    I bet you live with the good wife in a "home" you have made for yourselves and wherever the good wife is, is home.
    Spot looking forward to your story here, when you get down to it
    The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

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    Newby Stef's Avatar
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    What an appropriate title for a thread, Sydney.
    I too have had these feelings of "what have I given up?"
    I originally left my long-term marriage 6 years ago and left everything I owned with the wife and my daughter. I left a very nice home with only my suitcase. I borrowed money to try and set myself up as I had nothing.
    Soon after I met another farang woman and a few months later moved in with her. I spent two years with her but we didn't formally marry.
    To make a long story shorter, this relationship ended badly and again I left everything I had with this woman.
    Once again, I walked out the door with only my suitcase.
    At that time my daughter really missed her dad and cried for me a great deal. I decided to move back into the house with my daughter. I couldn't bear seeing her only every second Saturday.

    I basically was a boarder in my own house for the next few years. I was there for my daughter and her mother and I lived under the same roof without too much stress.
    Now my daughter is grown and will be attending university this year. I can now look for my own happiness and I have been so pleased with my conversations with my tg Siri. I just can't go back into a relationship with a farang woman.
    Once again I have very little but that is ok with me.
    For years in my marriage I had all the comforts... a nice house, a new BMW and a few major vacations a year to wonderful places in the world. But for me they were all very empty experiences.
    I look forward to my future life with hopefully a nice a Thai girl. I don't miss all of the stuff I left behind for a minute.
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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน justcruzing1's Avatar
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    I think most of us have been thru it at least once, many twice or more.

    What I have experienced, was that despite hanging in there, for kids, pier pressure from family and friends, we eventually do what is needed to give us some happiness.

    I look back at my 2 divorces, and see that both happened within 3 months of each of my parents death. I now believe, as I have read, that it made me look at my life, my mortality, and was I happy? I wasn't, so I got out.

    It is so, so easy to get caught up in the finer details, argue over a pot plant for god's sake!
    It, in the end, isn't about the material things, and later you think why the Fuk did i fight so hard for something I really don't need?

    More important, is the need to have someone... that loves you, respects you, desires you, and needs you as a person. You have lost this, and self esteme, over the years.

    Now to talk about Sydney's situation..... He has to pass his old home, every day, and now see's a car/ex's boyfriend's car in the driveway.
    This, no matter what, or how happy he is in life, will evoke emotion's many he can't control. It is natural, and he is lucky that he has found JK before this point, or he would have very different feelings.

    I wish you all the happiness Sydney, you have done so much right , and balanced, by so many, it is time for you to have it returned.


    Stef,
    I know how you feel, I left my 1st with only a surfboad and water ski, on the roof of my car, clothes in the back seat, stero in the boot.
    She got the house, furniture and the Ford Capri GT
    "Of course you love me darling, I handsome man 55555"

  19. #19
    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Spot's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=Arliss Michaels;24729]Spot looking forward to your story here, when you get down to it [/QUOTE

    3 chapters written on word and i haven't yet got to where i met S....
    Ohhhh, Pigsy! You call yourself a demon? จูบก้นของฉัน Everything I post here is IMHO and IME... I am no expert....

  20. #20
    ประเทศไทยเพื่อน Founding Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Changone's Avatar
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    On re-establishing yourself, it is not as hard as you think, provided that you make absolutely sure you have no regrets. I have no problem driving past any of the houses that I have owned in partnership with banks and other interested parties. I have doubled my money on some of them, even though they might be worth double that again today. I have very little interest in worrying about what my properties are worth or the sweat equity I put into them because those matters are closed and there is nothing to tie me to any Ex, and the kids all turned out fine. I know some guys that have formed new relationships with TG, but still have a wife, Defacto, or someone else that they have a financial interest in because of all sorts of can't afford to sell split reasons. When it comes down to it, the law is no respecter of your personal life or agenda. Just my two cents. Oh, by the way, I don't consider myself to be a bitter and twisted property damaged divorcee, just one of life's lucky winners.
    And where the hell was Biggles.....?....when you needed him last Saturday....?

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