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Thread: Thai step children or your children

  1. #1
    The artist formally known as Wabbits Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน wabbits's Avatar
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    Thai step children or your children

    Hi due to Sydneys urging have started a thread regarding step children and children you already have.
    To explore the problems faced and the good that can come also.
    Visa issues, culture issues, and the good that comes as well.

    Fire away.
    .

  2. #2
    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Sydney's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wabbits View Post
    Thanks Syd,i`ll try and write down some of the stuff i see back in Isaan instead of just getting a "days of old" feel and not mentioning it to too many others.

    My young bloke also likes all the animals. They have 4 cats,ducks and chickens back at her mum dads as well as the frequent elephant meet and greets,cows and bulls as well some of the other wildlife. There`s "uooa" cows in our moo baan too so he`s taken to going to see them as well....he loves the animals.

    Were i grew up there were kangaroos and emu`s over our back fence when my family first moved there as well as all the birds,ducks,foxes,eels,snakes,wild pigs,eagles and whatever else at the big reserves by local creek as well as just about every family having some kind of pet or pets.
    He loves the Thai traditional dancing too and they tend have that regularly around the place.

    I think it`s good for him until the age of maybe 6-10 and then i think he`s better off being back in Oz to do his schooling so as to give him a better chance in later life in the western world as school is just as much a social education,IMO. Even if he were to start work and decide that LOS is best for himself then i still think he would be well prepared to move back and do as he pleases.

    Thats a long way off though and for the mean time he`s fine where he is.
    This is Moos post from another thread, and IMO the 6-10 yr old part was important to note, so he can learn the thai way and traditions, no point in losing that as it has many good values that we have certainly lost in the western world.

    So age i believe plays a very important part on when its the right time to be bring them to a western country. But it as only 1 part and there are many other issues. Other half brothers/sisters already here in the family, what age the half brothers/sisters are, schooling, language learning before coming....etc etc the list is endless

    Australia is a big multicultural country as is other parts of the world now, this can only help in terms of fitting in at school, which would be one of my biggest concerns if i was bringing a kid here.

    JK has a friend on her forum, who brought her 10 year old thai kid over here to join her husbands 14 year old son and 13 year old daughter, and TBH it hasn;t being good for the young feller...the 14 year old instead of taking his half bother under his wing, has being a prize pick to him and i feel really sorry for this young thai kid, of coarse i mainly think its the fathers fault as he just didn't prepare his own kids for the new arrival properly, and has done jack Sh1te to help once here....what a idiot !!

    I would love to get some insight from the kid itself, on how he/she feels before coming and how he is going with assimilating into a different culture once here, both at home and at probably more importantly at school. Those of coarse won't be possible, but hopefully this thread will be around for a long while and as we start to see some kids arrive in the future, perhaps some BM's here maybe prepared to share some stories as they feel fit to.

    In the meantime would be interesting to learn other Bm's thoughts on taking a kid out of the village, the good, the bad and maybe even something no one has thought about.

    In in due coarse hopefully this thread can grow to be a good learning and advise thread for all those going down this path.
    The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.

  3. #3
    Cadet Gold BangkokSteve's Avatar
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    this is a good thread to open guys

    I "inherited" my step daughter at age 2 when I began my relationship with her mother. I adopted her under thai law when she was 10 (after 2 yrs of beaucracy hassles) My natural son to the same mother was born when when she was 5.


    We brought her and her half brother to Australia when she was 12.


    Not quite the issue of 100% aussie kids with younger luk krungs" or 50/50 thai aussie from a second aussie thai marriage that you are mainly thinking of, but still has issue.

    More later.... hey on holidays.....:-)
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    Organic AI Quarky's Avatar
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    I think it's more a city thing in the West rather than a Western thing... because when I return back to NZ and go to the country towns... it's just how it was 30 years ago... kids playing outside, jumpers for goal posts... ahhh... the innocence is still there... just gone from cities these days.. cause that's where the bad people are apparently...

    As for moving kids....

    I was moved to a new country when I was 10 years old. I can safely say the earlier you move kids the better. I was too old. The experience was traumatic. And this was from one western country to another one. Changing cultures would be even harder... it's hard enough learning life in your own country when you are between 5 and 15... but having it torn apart, by shifting you to a new country can lead to all sorts of emotional development problems.

    I think the biggest key is having parents who are sympathetic to what you are going through... if you are going to move kids from one culture to another, think about the emotional impact, rather than the practical implications... once they are over 5 years old I think you are playing Russian roulette with a child's development if you make life any more traumatic for them... but if you have no choice, just be aware...
    Last edited by Quarky; 24th December 2012 at 19:23.
    My only experience was in a pie making factory managing the gravy team


  5. #5
    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Sydney's Avatar
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    Great post DP...maybe if you have a choice there is a age cap ( starting school)when its better to be moving a child, problem is though in most cases there wouldnt be that choice so we would probably agree the sooner the better
    The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.

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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Moo Uaon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Distantpeak View Post
    I think it's more a city thing in the West rather than a Western thing... because when I return back to NZ and go to the country towns... it's just how it was 30 years ago... kids playing outside, jumpers for goal posts... ahhh... the innocence is still there... just gone from cities these days.. cause that's where the bad people are apparently...

    As for moving kids....

    I was moved to a new country when I was 9 years old. I can safely say the earlier you move kids the better. I was too old. The experience was traumatic. And this was from one western country to another one. Changing cultures would be even harder... it's hard enough learning life in your own country when you are between 5 and 15... but having it torn apart, by shifting you to a new country can lead to all sorts of emotional development problems.

    I think the biggest key is having parents who are sympathetic to what you are going through... if you are going to move kids from one culture to another, think about the emotional impact, rather than the practical implications... once they are over 5 years old I think you are playing Russian roulette with a child's development if you make life any more traumatic for them... but if you have no choice, just be aware...
    Thanks for giving your personal experience DP.

    I have known kids who had only lived in countries no longer than a few years and were continually moved around and were none the wiser i guess.
    But i`d certainly like to get my young bloke into the Oz education system well before high school.
    FACE YOUR FEARS LIVE YOUR DREAMS

  7. #7
    Organic AI Quarky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sydney View Post
    Great post DP...maybe if you have a choice there is a age cap ( starting school)when its better to be moving a child, problem is though in most cases there wouldnt be that choice so we would probably agree the sooner the better
    My parent's admitted that they just thought of the practical implications of moving us kids from one country to another... rather than the emotional impact. Just something to be aware of if you have to move your kids around. Instead of thinking of the practical implications, think about the affect it will have on them emotionally. And talk to them about it. Else, kids being kids will keep it locked up inside...
    My only experience was in a pie making factory managing the gravy team


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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Uber Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Nomad's Avatar
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    once they are over 5 years old I think you are playing Russian roulette with a child's development if you make life any more traumatic for them... but if you have no choice, just be aware...
    These appear to be big statements DP, yet i don't know as i lived in essentially one place till 19. Purely a reflection of your experience, or from discussions with others in similar circumstances?

    I had a discussion the other day with a family member that had his youth around the time of WW2 and indicated that due to frequent moving as a child within Australia he got sick of trying to make new friends, a trait that has carried through to his adult life.
    "Don't wait around for your life to happen to you. Find something that makes you happy and do it. Everything else is just background noise." George Mason

  9. #9
    Organic AI Quarky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moo Uaon View Post
    Thanks for giving your personal experience DP.

    I have known kids who had only lived in countries no longer than a few years and were continually moved around and were none the wiser i guess.
    But i`d certainly like to get my young bloke into the Oz education system well before high school.
    I wonder if kids who are moved around from a young age, get used to it and become more resilient. For me and my brother though, once we had started school, formed bonds (which is important when you are young, forming friendships and being accepted by your peers) and become settled, then being moved to a new country where we were treated as outsiders (even though we spoke the same language) was pretty traumatic.
    My parents wished they had moved us at an earlier age, when they had the chance. In the end we moved back to NZ, as the move was just too much for us... I kept on getting into fights at school, purely cause I sounded funny. Luckily I was big for my age so usually won my fights. But it wasn't pleasant at 10 or 11 yrs of age getting into fights in a new school.
    Last edited by Quarky; 24th December 2012 at 19:23.
    My only experience was in a pie making factory managing the gravy team


  10. #10
    Organic AI Quarky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nomad View Post
    These appear to be big statements DP, yet i don't know as i lived in essentially one place till 19. Purely a reflection of your experience, or from discussions with others in similar circumstances?

    I had a discussion the other day with a family member that had his youth around the time of WW2 and indicated that due to frequent moving as a child within Australia he got sick of trying to make new friends, a trait that has carried through to his adult life.
    Good point Nomad. From talking to other people I picked up that what had happened to me and my family was not uncommon. It was also pointed out to my parents who went for counselling as it affected them as well. And they were told it was quite common for kids who are moved around a lot to suffer emotional problems... I also listen to other people's experiences. Moving kids around, especially after aged 5 had caused problems for others too. Because it happened to me I tend to pick up on it when I have spoken to other people.

    Luckily for me once I returned to NZ I returned to all my mates again (A few of whom are still my close mates today). But I can see how some people like your mate Nomad may find it affects their ability to form strong relationships because they have gotten used to leaving people behind....

    The funny thing is that I think the emotional turmoil of moving to another country affected me more than when I was kidnapped (by older kids) as a youngster, blindfolded and threatened with a knife. Traumatic as that was, for me it was less emotionally upsetting than moving overseas... then again, knowing what I know now about older kids killing younger kids, I was probably protected by my naivety...
    Last edited by Quarky; 24th December 2012 at 19:21.
    My only experience was in a pie making factory managing the gravy team


  11. #11
    The artist formally known as Wabbits Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน wabbits's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Distantpeak View Post
    I wonder if kids who are moved around from a young age, get used to it and become more resilient. For me and my brother though, once we had started school, formed bonds (which is important when you are young, forming friendships and being accepted by your peers) and become settled, then being moved to a new country where we were treated as outsiders (even though we spoke the same language) was pretty traumatic.
    My parents wished they had moved us at an earlier age, when they had the chance. In the end we moved back to NZ, as the move was just too much for us... I kept on getting into fights at school, purely cause I sounded funny. Luckily I was big for my age so usually won my fights. But it wasn't pleasant at 10 or 11 yrs of age getting into fights in a new school.
    I got shuffled around as a kid 7 schools before 13 due to Mum and dads marriage break up.
    Absolutley effected me some bad some good I think.
    Restlessness is something it has given me, have found it hard to stay in one place for long houses and jobs...though slowing down a little now.5555
    Resilience and a willingness to accept change easily it has given me.
    A slowness to make deep friendships maybe....

    Looking back I think more stability as a child would have been better.

    Bringing a child from an inclusive to an exclusive culture will not be easy in a lot of ways..May not make her life better!
    Yes she would have more oppertunity for sure but happier......Time will tell on that.
    I don't see much unhappyness in village, I am sure there is but at the level we find here.....

    I am musing as I don't know the answers, will find some out as we go along I guess...
    .

  12. #12
    Organic AI Quarky's Avatar
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    ^The world is changing I must admit... for thousands of years humans stayed together in close-knit communities... even moving as groups. Now the modern world is taking us into a future of Nomad-ism... always on the go. Humans adapt, but maybe evolution will be a little slower in making it a natural way for humans...
    My only experience was in a pie making factory managing the gravy team


  13. #13
    Uber Star Soi wanderer Uber Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Nomad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Distantpeak View Post
    Now the modern world is taking us into a future of Nomad-ism... always on the go
    Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for TG. 555
    "Don't wait around for your life to happen to you. Find something that makes you happy and do it. Everything else is just background noise." George Mason

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    Organic AI Quarky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nomad View Post
    Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for TG. 555
    I was going to say that you were ahead of the game... 555
    My only experience was in a pie making factory managing the gravy team


  15. #15
    ประเทศไทยเพื่อน Founding Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน PeteGill's Avatar
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    Very good friends of mine emigrated to New Zealand in 2000. They have four kids, three girls and a boy ranging from 20 to 8 at the time.. And they all seemed to handle the move differently.
    Of the elder two girls, the one who looked forward to the move took the longest to settle and the second girl (My god-daughter) who was keen to go took longer to settle. the third (The son) took ages to settle in, whilst the youngest at 8 took it all in her stride..
    Now the dynamics are all changed again where the son travels for work and cannot wait to get home and two of the three girls have long since left NZ for Europe and Oz..
    To me it just shows that it is an individual kind of thing and kids will either make the best of it or struggle...

  16. #16
    RIP Cilla (Craig) Platinum Cilla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sydney View Post

    So age i believe plays a very important part on when its the right time to be bring them to a western country. But it as only 1 part and there are many other issues.

    In in due coarse hopefully this thread can grow to be a good learning and advise thread for all those going down this path.
    I think this will be a very interesting and informative thread. I know myself I am in the process of gathering information about Visa's and such to bring A's daughter Ing here with her when we apply for a PV.

    A is traveling to Udon today to pick up Ing for a couple of weeks visit and then back as Ing attends a private school and has a break over Xmas and New Year. Ing has been staying with her Yah and Father while A and myself sort out our relationship. A wanted Ing to spend some time with her in laws as she knew Ing would be coming here and even though they separated A still wanted Ing to spend time with them, a lot different from other stories I have heard about divorce in Thailand.

    So tonight I will get to Skype and see A and Ing together. it has been such a long time for them both. I know A will have a smile a mile wide and I'll have my finger on the button to snap a quick pic of that, 5555.

    This time will be a time to start the education for Ing about what is going to happen, about having to learn English and why about Australia and school here and a gentle start in her and my relationship together.

    This is galvanized me to pull my finger out and put a bigger effort into learning to speak Thai, I have been a bit slack in that regard as A speaks English but Ing does not and communication is the key here for her as well as me.

    Children are resilient, yes they are but they have to be given the right environment to do that. Coming to a strange place with no friends or extended family will be hard, no language skills and having to attend school. I will be blunt here, kids can be cruel, we all know how bad that can be for some. Australia is a multicultural one and most schools have a mixed class these days and that will help. A and myself will cope with the changes in our lives but Ing will feel it the most. To openly discuss about the changes and about the new experiences she will be having will help take away the "fear" of the move.

    I look forward to the day when that little girl will run to me and hold me tight, thanks for sharing that Wabbs one of the most beautiful things I have read here. I envy you with that but one day......

    I know others here on TD are in the same boat with TG's kids, I hope we can get some "open" info so we can all enjoy a new extended family as some others have already experienced the pitfalls and moved past them.

  17. #17
    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Sydney's Avatar
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    Thanks for your post Cil....can we ask how old Ing is?

    Also anther thought to eveyone.....Is changing the name of the kid to a more western name a good idea.? To maybe avoid teasing at school, pronouncation etc......we know the chinese do it and i am not suggesting Bruce or Michael 555 but maybe a slight varation or change from what they have.
    The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.

  18. #18
    RIP Cilla (Craig) Platinum Cilla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sydney View Post
    Thanks for your post Cil....can we ask how old Ing is?

    Sorry never put that in, she is 10yo at the end of next month

  19. #19
    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Minder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nomad View Post
    Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for TG. 555
    Bar fine a TG for a man and he will be hungry for another one tomorrow ...
    Teach him how to fish for TG and the forum will have another member .....


    My 5 year old Thai niece sat on my lap tonight for about an hour and played with her IPAD while her 14 year old sister sat next to me and played games and texted her friends on her Iphone ... the purpose of the reunion aside ... (I was at my mother-in-laws brother's funeral).... this is what I see as normal behavior for kids everywhere ... move both of them to another country tonight and it will take them months to realize .... update your facebook status from the next room or the Moon and what difference does it make?

    The world has changed IMHO and anyone who thinks that a childhood relocation experience of thirty plus years ago when the world was a big place would still be the same today I think is missing that point ...

    However, based on what I have seen of the three Thai kids relocated to Oz in the last five or six years...and of other kids in general ... I'd say that puberty is still a rough time of everyone's life no matter where you are ....

    Enjoy...
    Life is the unexpected ...

  20. #20
    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Chob's Avatar
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    Theres lots here that interests me , and may well have passed me by unless I had become an ad hoc Dad to a small Thai girl ( 3 years old now) for the past year and a bit.
    She is actually a 'laan sao' , so my tgs ' grand daughter ' , her having had a 'luuk sao' ( daughter ) at 18 , and her daughter , much to my tgs annoyance having followed in her Mummas footsteps , and doing the same.

    I was newly around when she received the call from the daughter stating she was pregnant , and my tg hurling her phone onto the bed , and barely missing me.
    The conversation went something like ,
    "What did you do that for?"
    "Mine daughter ...she ...she plegnant!"
    "Really , oh congratulations!"
    "Not congatlation! I moo haw ( angry) !"
    "Why you angry?"
    "She , she too young.Maybe... maybe she bad lady!"
    "Oh come on Nueng. She is your daughter , she is just doing what comes natural"
    "She NEVER listen , she idiot , Im can kill her ... yes , maybe I kill to her !!"
    "Nueng , get a grip. You tell me a girl is a lady in your baan at 16 , she is 18. How old are you again now?"
    "Me , why you sapeak bad me? What I do bad huh?"
    "Now dont get cranky with me , but arent youy 36?"
    Silence.
    "Well arent you?"
    "You know laeow!"
    "Well , you say you are 36 , mmm ...well sometimes you say 35 actually..."
    "Hmmph! Well yessss , I 36 , ok? Soon my birsday I 36 OKAY? So why you speak??"
    "Well , youre daughter is 18 huh? So that means YOU were 18 when you had her..."
    "Huh? HUH? WHY YOU SAPEAK BAD ME HUHHH!! What I do foul ( she watches football with me..555) huh?
    Ohh, I know no good sapeak to man , fcuking idiot man not know anysing Fcuk off! You an daughter same same fcuking idiot ..."

    It was about then that I quietly retired to the Sick Buffalo Bar....555

    Anyway , I actually grew up quite near Moo , and i observe much of the interaction with animals and bugs , that he has noted happening with my Grand Daughter ( GD). Also I note some of the cruelty ...

    I wish to also 'lighten' in some way , the emotional tone growing here regarding the relocation of Thai children , because I think we are projecting our feelings onto them and my observations are a little contrary to what we can think they feel.
    Sure , Wabs relating his step daughters jumping onto him also pulled my heart strings , and I felt a tinge of emotion at the picture painted. And of course many human emotions are universal , and worth all the consideration and planning we can possibly afford.
    But 'giving way to emotions' is not a Thai thing , and not even an Asian thing , and Asians are the majority in the scheme of things when it comes to world populations.
    'Jai yen' , a cool heart , is taught by parents to all Thai kids ( and most asians) ...suppress your emotional response , accept whats long term good for all , AND GET ON WITH IT , is what I observe taught to every kid around here.
    Kids get on buses bound for Bangkok , all alone , with the order , "Get a job, send money home."
    Pretty young girls head for Pats.
    Twenty somethings fly , without a word of French , to meet their holiday beau and make a life in Paris.
    But an unspoken throng , board flights directly to factories in Korea and Japan and Singapore...

    What Im trying to say , I guess , is that these are a resilient , if somewhat naive , people , who invariably stay out their contracts , and dont appear ( to me anyway) any the worse for the experience...
    Last edited by Chob; 26th December 2012 at 03:00.

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