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Thread: Matter with the MIL

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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน MarcTwoSix's Avatar
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    Matter with the MIL

    So, as most know...... My MIL takes care of my stepson.
    She does a really good job but can be very strict......way too strict and we have told her she needs to allow him to have a social life.

    But the one issue is she really nitpicks him constantly. The kid can't do anything without her giving him ****. To the point it almost seems she doesn't like him at times. It is very weird.
    And it seems to be getting worse as he gets older.

    And I am not exaggerating when I say he is a great friggin kid.

    My wife, being home the last 5 months has had talks with her mom but she just continues to go at him constantly.
    And this was the 1st time he really expressed to my wife how fed up with it.

    Now....I have a very good relationship with my MIL.
    Do you think I can speak to her about this?
    I more want to let her know she is in danger of making a very good kid rebel and turn into a bad kid.

    I also don't think it would be coming out of the blue. All 3 of us are usually involved in decisions regarding him and she always listens to my opinions.

    I think a talk would be fine to have.....just wondering what others think

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    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Sydney's Avatar
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    How good is her English ? ..... To make her understand the damage she is doing ( in a multitude of ways ) i would have thought her English would need to be fairly good if not very good
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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Dupree's Avatar
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    What's the Thai custom for telling a grandmother her disciplinary methods are outdated? And do Thai's understand the value of a healthy self esteem? And do they know how to nurture it? She's probably not capable of changing her ways. And he doesn't have any other options but you.
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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน MarcTwoSix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sydney View Post
    How good is her English ? ..... To make her understand the damage she is doing ( in a multitude of ways ) i would have thought her English would need to be fairly good if not very good
    The talk would be with my wife included.
    She is very frustrated about it

    If my MIL understood English I'd have no issue saying something in passing
    Or remind her how lucky we are that he is such a good kid, great student, no problems whatsoever

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    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Sydney's Avatar
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    Ohh ok for some reason i was thinking you converse on all subjects direct to her .... don't now why i was thinking that, maybe just from your " get on great with her" comments in the past

    So you are pretty much in translation mode then. Thats a lot harder, but i guess you will be at least present ..

    I am only breaking this down to understand it, because as you know, mothers listening to daughters that are trying to give advice on how to raise kids is often difficult if not impossible .... its like trying to tell someone who has being doing the job for the last 30 years how to do the job differently or better ...

    How many more years does the kid have to live with the MIL ? ....

    Really hard situation .... its tempting to involve him as well in the convo and express his feelings, but i know this is never done and could go pear shape .... also telling someone they aren't doing a good job, when they are actually doing the job that you guys aren' t ??? ... more flames

    Sorry i haven't got much other than write down some ideas, expressions, sentences as if you were telling your own mum she wasn't doing a good job in a certain area .... maybe on paper something might jump up that could work
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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Zablive's Avatar
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    It's a difficult situation when your wife has delegated her responsibilities in raising her son to the MIL for years.
    The MIL no doubt feels entitled to "her way".
    Last edited by Zablive; 5th April 2016 at 16:56.
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    Organic AI Quarky's Avatar
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    Maybe use some emotional blackmail... he would have come first (rather than second) in the school entrance exams if he could have had more positive support from his MIL...

    Though I would have thought the best way to do it, is in a way that doesn't make the MIL lose face. Maybe ask the MIL if she knows why her grandson might be lacking confidence...does she know anyone who might be picking on him etc...
    My only experience was in a pie making factory managing the gravy team


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    Foundation Member Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Sydney's Avatar
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    Good technique DP .... asking ... not so sure about in a deceptive way "does she know anyone who might be picking on him etc..." ..

    But more like how she thinks it makes him feel when hes getting nagged, so she is thinking about it from his view .... maybe ask if she has got any other ways/ideas to get him to do things so she doesn't have to nag ..

    Sure as hell "asking" has 100% more chance of making a change or at least planting a seed, than telling her what she should or shouldn't be doing ....
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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Bacon's Avatar
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    Dupree is right, she wouldn't even have the capacity to understand what you're talking about. I wouldn't even bother.

    Just think of alternatives solutions, and remove the kid from that environment.
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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Uber Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Cuzzy's Avatar
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    Remove the MIL 555.

    The old girl won't take to anyone else putting forward an alternative view. She sees her role as sole guardian of the boy.

    Maybe she's trying to make him perfect, in her view of the world and sees you guys as having relatively little experience.

    Or maybe she's just a controlling old bag like my MIL.

    Just speculation... I don't think any of us are familiar enough with your situation to make proper comment. We can only speculate.
    Experts : People who know more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing.

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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Bacon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cuzzy View Post
    Remove the MIL 555.

    The old girl won't take to anyone else putting forward an alternative view. She sees her role as sole guardian of the boy.

    Maybe she's trying to make him perfect, in her view of the world and sees you guys as having relatively little experience.

    Or maybe she's just a controlling old bag like my MIL.

    Just speculation... I don't think any of us are familiar enough with your situation to make proper comment. We can only speculate.
    Agreed. But just to be on the safe side... fire her ass! 555
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    Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน MarcTwoSix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bacon View Post
    Dupree is right, she wouldn't even have the capacity to understand what you're talking about. I wouldn't even bother.

    Just think of alternatives solutions, and remove the kid from that environment.
    Why wouldn't she have the capacity?
    She if a pretty smart woman.

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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน MarcTwoSix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zablive View Post
    It's a difficult situation when your wife has delegated her responsibilities in raising her son to the MIL for years.
    The MIL no doubt feels entitled to "her way".
    That is the rub
    You need to be sensitive because she is doing the day to day job that we aren't
    But, in the same breath......we know for sure he is not even close to a problem and yet, he is not happy
    So hard to just let that go unsaid

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    ประเทศไทยเพื่อน Uber Star Dazza's Avatar
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    Appears like the only way is to remove him from that environment (the MIL's care) and you guys will have to take care of him just like he was your own kid....

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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน Zablive's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MarcTwoSix View Post
    That is the rub
    You need to be sensitive because she is doing the day to day job that we aren't
    But, in the same breath......we know for sure he is not even close to a problem and yet, he is not happy
    So hard to just let that go unsaid

    Teenagers are always unhappy about something -weren't you?

    Suck it up kid!
    Last edited by Zablive; 5th April 2016 at 23:28.
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    Organic AI Quarky's Avatar
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    How bad is the nit-picking Paulie? Have you seen it first hand? Better that she is very strict than the opposite... what was she like with Ao growing up?
    My only experience was in a pie making factory managing the gravy team


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    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน MarcTwoSix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dazza View Post
    Appears like the only way is to remove him from that environment (the MIL's care) and you guys will have to take care of him just like he was your own kid....
    It really isn't an option now since we committed to him going to high school in Thailand
    To now bring him to Canada, I don't think is the best for him
    We've seen Thai kids come "too late" and it really effects their social growth, they just never seem to fit in
    I'd love to have him at my house tomorrow, but at this point.........I don't think it is the best for him

  18. #18
    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน MarcTwoSix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zablive View Post
    Teenagers are always unhappy about something -weren't you?

    Suck it up kid!
    We had this debate before...............I don't think there was one day in my teenage life where I was unhappy 555

  19. #19
    Uber Star Soi wanderer Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน MarcTwoSix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Distantpeak View Post
    How bad is the nit-picking Paulie? Have you seen it first hand? Better that she is very strict than the opposite... what was she like with Ao growing up?
    It is absolutely incessant..........he can't do anything without her giving him crap....and yes I have seen it plenty of time
    It has seemed to go from being overly strict to being mean spirited
    They seemed to have a pretty joking relationship up until this year, even when she was being strict

    She is a pretty conservative woman and very much a worry wort.............and I think she is over-compensating because her sons have gotten into a fair bit of trouble

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    Lamai Beach Bum Thai Dreamer ผู้เพ้อฝัน bacwaan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MarcTwoSix View Post
    .............and I think she is over-compensating because her sons have gotten into a fair bit of trouble
    I was wondering if it wasn't exactly this...perhaps you and Ao could discuss it in these terms..coming from this angle
    Quarky likes this.

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