Nubbins;64355 said:
^^
I first met my TGF in 2005 just after the tsunami. We know each other quite well now.
Wow. 8 years! A long time. Is this because things had to grow between you both or because you gave her the time she wanted/needed to decide for herself that she wanted to leave the business?
Nubbins;64355 said:
When I reunite with her on 14 April, it will be to start a new phase of living together more or less permanently. For me it will be a transition from customer to partner. For her it will be a transition from bar girl to partner. We are moving from a daily rate holiday girl situation with no strings attached to a mia farang with monthly allowance and certain expectations.
I assume you are moving to Thailand, or are already there?
I have to tell you, the stage you are entering now is the one I fear most for myself. I guess if I were to consider something as you are doing ... continuous living together, it would allay my fears considerably. I mean, in the western context, if a guy or girl wants to cheat, they'll find a way and a few minutes in a week to do that there are never any iron clad guarantees in the world and this is what trust is all about. But as you are describing, the girls just don't seem to 'get' what a big problem this working the bar is in the minds of many western men (mine definitely included).
Frankly, after two weeks with my girl, just completed, and having sucked up a lot, as well as some very in depth conversations, I wonder sometimes at my own 'problem' with this. My girl is well aware of the stigma attached to being a working girl, she's worked it for years and is under no illusions, but I sometimes wonder, given some comments from her, if thats the real source of her problem with the business ... the stigma. Outside of that, I'm not sure, but I'm forming a view that its her belief that love is all about the heart, and seeing men for money is simply a job and nothing to do with anything else.
So this troubles me. Theres a very big _something_ that I just don't understand. On the one hand, I got severely verbally punished for responding to a couple of greetings via text from some platonic girls I know at home, I pushed back against this verbal by the way, with limited success, yet, there is no problem for her and indeed she doesn't hide, bookings coming through from her boss in relation to future clients. There appears to be a very clear separation, very clear, in working clients and any further interest then that ... of course, I know this to be the case for working girls everywhere, but the subtlety here is that she's comfortable or appears so, in me seeing escorts at home, yet wants and seems to need some sort of reassurance that none of these girls are a romantic interest. Almost like, "have sex with anyone you want, but don't love any of them"
Nubbins;64355 said:
She was talking to me recently on Skype about how one of her generous regular customers will be arriving in Phuket soon and that this is a good opportunity for her to make a stack of lady drink money from him. I gently suggested that when she is with me, I will pay for her drinks and we don't need his money. At first she didn't understand why I would not help her get a stack of easy money but I explained that from now on she needs to stop thinking like a bar girl and start thinking about being my partner.
Mmm. Interesting isn't it?
I'm coming around to the notion that there is no "we" in relation to money. Its either hers or its mine. If its mine, and even if its enough to provide for both of us comfortably, the fact that its not _hers_ means she has no real security. My girl has a big job coming up, a bit later in the year, but booked firm already. This job represents a large sum of money, enough to get her quite excited by the prospect. In her own words, this will be the last job for her, then she's going to move out of the business with this big golden handshake.
I can definitely relate to this quote: "I explained that from now on she needs to stop thinking like a bar girl and start thinking about being my partner", but then, of course I would, because its how things are done here. My girl on the other hand, despite being happy at the future prospect of this big lump sum payment, followed immediately by exiting the business, was a lot less sure in her conviction, when I conveniently popped in the question, of taking down her presence as a working escort from the web.
Like your lady, I strongly suspect that she'd quite happily entertain the idea of going on another big paying job, even though she's notionally left the business and even though we may well be BF/GF by then.
Nubbins;64355 said:
As you can see, there are going to be some adjustments required. It may not work out but I am hopeful.
Yes, adjustments. I am hopeful for you also, and hope you continue to fill us in on how things go. I for one will be watching with intense interest. Of course the dynamic of each couple and each person is different, but there are broad and useful similarities in many of these situations I think.
So having gained a hell-uva-lot more knowledge over the last two weeks, my head is not really any clearer. Its difficult to explain. On the one hand, during several conversations, I get a firm impression that she wants to finish up with P4P, I'm getting mixed readings on exactly why this is. I think the stigma of being a working girl is possibly playing on her, but then, just as easily, this could simply be a face she's showing me because she knows I'm a bit sensitive to it (as many Farangs are of course). Responding more bravely than I felt at the time I told her that I know she has to work, and that, in fact, we'd never have met each other if she wasn't in the P4P business. She agrees, but there is something else. She doesn't really like many of her clients, but thats going to be a pretty normal tale of any working girl, she's living some kind of thinly veiled lie in relation to her family although frankly, I can't see how they are fooled for even a moment - I guess maybe she just wants to be able to lift the veil of secrecy completely and not have to worry about the unspoken truth? Who knows?
This time, she's introducing me to people she knows as her boyfriend, thats a change from last time ... and we haven't actually had the 'speech' yet (I'm scratching my head there a bit let me tell you). I've talked, in TEnglish with a couple of her friends, met one on Skype who is currently overseas with her British boyfriend. Whenever I meet these 'friends' my girl becomes extremely touchy feely, more so than usual, which is usually quite a lot, and she's not this way with randoms we meet during the course of the day. [edit: oh, I should mention here, that tonight I referred to her via text as a "good friend", which she picked up on immediately, "oh, not GF?" .... hmmm]
So of course I'm thinking, with my western brain, thats she's really coming around to the idea of me as BF and later in the year, moving out of P4P. Yet, the "boss" rings, she tells him she's holidaying with her BF but will be available for work the evening of the day I leave BKK. Of course ... why not? I'm still no more than a paying customer. One leaves, another arrives right? Right .. I _do_ understand this as a concept, but jesus wept ... you couldn't even wait for the bedsheets to go cold before going back to work? This is _my_ problem, I understand, not hers, but its a lumpy gob of porridge to have to swallow.
In her mind, the P4P work, and any relationship we might be building are entirely separate things I think. We've not had the speech, I'm not monogamous and obviously neither is she. Right now, we're cool, and the friendship is growing at a good steady rate. But when I get to the point where you are at now, were you are about to become 'partners', I'll happily and easily leave my other lady interests behind ... its a prerequisite for me because of where I'm from, I don't know that she will easily understand what the hell I'm on about in relation to this subject. Maybe the answer to my question is in your next post, which I'll comment on (more briefly) in a moment.
